Shameless Theif!

I think I may have a problem...
In his absence, I've reluctantly discovered my husband's accusations hold validity.
I am, in fact a ruthless, blatant, relentless cover theif.  Sleeping without Michael, I wake up clutching a massive wad of sheet/comforter all balled up between my arms.  Consequently, whatever side of the bed I'm not on, is completely void of cover.
 I can hear him now, learning of my admittance, "Finally!  I told you, you always steal the covers!  I have to steal them back from you!"  Poor Michael. One would think that fighting for his country would be enough, but his wife makes him fight for his blanket, too.  Good thing I'm always the chilly one and he truly loves me.

Emotional Land Mines

The "ghosts" of lifetimes past...
It's crazy, and a little dangerous!  Just cruising along, minding my own, and a strange, random, but super vivid memory just throws itself right smack in my path - zero warning!
Returning to a place that very much stays the same (Thousand Oaks) when I've changed so much is eery...  land mines of situations, interactions and feelings a constant threat to my present train of thought.  It's bizarre, I find myself almost weary at times, waiting for these borrowed memories to jump out at me again.  I say borrowed because even though they are my memories, they don't feel like mine.  That Brandi, she's so not this Brandi and that one seems like a million years ago.
It's great though, I'm so proud, like the parent of a toddler that successfully climbs into the big rocking chair for the first time on her own, I practically jump up and down and clap my hands in praise for myself thinking, "Good job, Brandi!  Look how much you've grown and how far you've come!  I'm so proud of you!"
So silly.

So much of me is from what I was/did/experienced here.  No wonder my mom never likes to move back to the same place twice.  You constantly encounter this shadow of the other you - the you that was you then, but isn't you now...crazy.

Great is the day...

Great is the day that one can realize how truly blessed she is. This is a great day.
It has not been an easy year. Bouts of... distance and disappointment, jealousy and bitterness, loneliness and anger.

Inertia: noun. The vis insita, or innate force of matter is a power of resisting, by which every body, as much as in it lies, endeavors to preserve in its present state, whether it be of rest, or of moving uniformly forward in a straight line.

It's a stubborn, palpable force. I've come to realize my life has been a study- example, if you will, of the effects of the concept. Inertia. It's a pain in the butt. I've spent most of my life either clutching the doorframe, white knuckled and dead weight against the drag of inevitable life change... or... pushing, throwing myself, red faced, breath held, sliding against the undefineable mass, trying to force whatever's not moving, to move.

In the end, the inertia of life always wins. Hands down, no matter what.

So, here's to my new mantra of life: It is what it is. (Thank you, Wendy.)

Through being forced to view all of my "creature comforts" of home as cargo, through literally not knowing where home is or how to get there, through wanting something so desperately- to be completely consumed with that desire and not knowing how to keep breathing when the realization comes that physically aching for it doesn't make it mine, through having no clue where my husband is, how he is doing or when I will talk to him/see him again, I've had no choice but to decide what really matters and what is worth my energy.

I have been thrust into a situation of intense growth and self discovery and raw emotional release.

It's not all draining, painful and labored, though...

I've been given the gift of relationships.

This amazing opportunity to connect with and experience so many remarkable, incredible every day people. And, I get to have them all as a part of my life!

I have so many heartstrings... I often struggle to maintain those connections. I'm best face-to-face, I'm terrible about calling, I'm slightly better on good old FB... but that's just because it's instant, mass gratification.

Regardless of my communication shortcomings...

I collect people, relationships, invaluable moments. I am blessed, I am fortunate, it is good.

Brad's 40th Birthday...Crazy!

To think I had a brother that would be 40 today...so hard to believe. He will be forever 25 to those who love him and remember him.

I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious ambiguity. - Gilda Radner

Insomniac

I've become one... I think. Well, maybe not really, but for me - definitely.

I've ALWAYS been out cold as soon as my head hits the pillow - dead to the world. For a good 2 weeks now I've been staring at the ceiling. Or the cats. (Who often stare back - kinda creepy) I think my internal clock is refusing to accept East Coast time...hmm...subliminal messages, maybe?

Of course, I've never been fond of change. I mean, this coming from the girl that every summer before the next school year started I would tell my mom, "Mom, I don't wanna go to Kindergarten. I wanna stay in Preschool." Next year; "Mom, I don't wanna go to 1st Grade. I wanna stay in Kindergarten." And so on, and so forth.

Grateful Brat!

I'm aware the title doesn't make much sense, but if' we're addressing "sense making," then my general outlook and disposition right now don't, either...



It is so satisfying and fulfilling to co-habitate with my husband again! I'm really enjoying being "Susie Homemaker," and yes - I actually cook - kind of. But I'm going a little stir crazy. I'm not working, even though I've been looking for some sort of part time job that will accept me just until the middle of October. I really enjoy my free time, but I'm really missing Sydney. There's a Sydney-shaped hole in my heart and I think the only thing that will begin to fill it would be the prospect of one of my own. However, thanks to the United States Navy and their poopy schedule, combined with good ole mother nature, I'm beginning to wonder if it's ever going to happen.



"Oh, Brandi, don't worry...it will happen, just stop thinking about it!"

Grrr...If I had a nickel...



The truth is I have soooooooooooooo many people that love me and so many things to be thankful for, that when I really wrap my brain around that, it seems silly and spoiled of me to want for anything... Ahh, the contradictions of life.



So, there's the first post... still trying to figure out how this will work, what I want my "voice" to be...

Hmm- so far so whiny. Oh well, you'll get a more amusing post next time. :)

Stepford moments...

So like... what's the big deal?

Umm... so I guess I didn't realize HOW Southern California I had become until I moved away from it...

Could NOT figure out what the looks were about... 'til I actually used my brain and contemplated the scene...

Blonde, cute, smiley girl wearing brown velour warm up set donning "Princess" in pink, gets out of silver BMW with California plates wearing pink flip flops, pink sunglasses, matching "blinged out" handbag chatting away on her cell with no idea where she's going...

Wow...Toto, we're not in Kansas anymore...

Heartfelt communication or self indulgence???

Here I blog!

Don't know quite yet how this is all going to work, but I figured I'd give it a shot - So many loved ones so many places, and quite frankly plenty of free time on my part... Oh dear, this could get really boring really fast. :) I can't promise to be as entertaining as Wendy or as thorough as Karissa, but I'll try not to disappoint.