If it were only that simple...

I was asked those questions at the dog park today, the ones that I get at least 3 times a week. 

"Why don't you?
               "When will you?"
                             "Don't you want?"

If it were only that simple...

It continues to amaze me how seemingly well meaning individuals ask questions that have zero to do with them, and truly have zero business addressing, really.  I mean, am I the only one that feels this way?  Why is it socially acceptable to address extremely personal and often sensitive issues so cavalierly by near strangers, or even aquaintances, for that matter?  I guess it really shouldn't surprise me, I mean, people ask stupid  personal questions all the time.  However, the frequency of occurences doesn't make any of those occurances any more okay.

If it were only that simple...

Do people really think that life situations are as simple as wanting or not wanting?  That, in these instances, one always has a choice?  And, for that matter, why do I feel like I must constantly justify my state of existence just because we're not at "the place" everyone expected us to be by now?

If it were only that simple...

I'm tired.  I'm tired of smiling, twittering off some fluffy and lighthearted answer to ease the confusion of the masses, when I really want to be brutally honest and make everyone immediately uncomfortable and mind their own stinkin' business.

If it were only that simple...

Hmm... bitter.  Loathe the taste, but here it is.  It's been sticking around lately, rearing it's head in inappropriate situations that could do more damage than good, and regretfully in one case, has already.  People don't deal well when the sweetheart isn't always so sweet, but life is tough.  Nothing can be sweet and bitter at the same time.  Nothing, even me, can be sweet all the time.  So, for once, no apologies.  It's how I feel.

If it were only that simple.

I'm how old?!

If you want to be happy, be. -- Henry David Thorreau

As of today, no longer can I honestly claim I'm in my 20's or even 30.  I may no longer be young, but now... now I am wise.  Just like that.  Poof.  ;)

I remember telling my Mother exactly a year ago that she couldn't tell me what to do anymore, that I was 30 and a "grown up" now.  We laughed, and she promptly told me to go to my room.  Some things truly never change.

In reflecting on one's age and life as one does on a birthday, I've realized, especially in the last few years, my happiness was contingent on aquisitions and accomplishments.  I fell prey to the, "If x happened, then I would be happy." or "Once we get to y, then I will be happy."  Oh, the foolishness of youth.

Simple.  I am happy now.  I am happy now, because I choose to be.

Barbie Wife? Seriously?!

Yeah.  So... apparently, that's my nickname on the USS Texas.
Can't decide if I"m horribly offended or graciously flattered...depends on when you ask me?  The thing is, it's not the first time I've been associated with iconic plastic supermodel doll, and I'm not quite sure what to make of it.
But, hey!  If so, where the heck is my metallic hot pink convertible Corvette and wardrobes full of hoaky but undeniably darling outfits with perfectly matching shoes, bag and hair brush?
BTW... kind of an oxymoron... Barbie was a teenage supermodel, she wasn't intended to be a wife, Mattel just got greedy and had to go there.
Dramatic Sigh.  It's a high calling, I will aspire to make the her proud.  (Barbie, not the USS Texas.  Just to be clear.)

Giggle.
I just couldn't resist.
Hey, if the shoe fits, right?  ;)

identity crisis...again

Disclaimer:  Staying true to the title of this blog, here I rant.
The United States Navy has bred it's own form of codependency. 
The more I experience this phenomena called the Navy Wife, the more I crave access to mainland civilian individuals.  The more I infiltrate this culture, the less I want to be a part of it, and not for each individual, but the general effect.  The title, Navy Wife, could arguably be considered a syndrome.  Symptoms?  Anxiety, neediness, caddiness.  Feelings of abandonment, and resentment.  Depression and hopelessness leading to avoidance and isolation and sometimes recklessness.  I fear this quiet hysteria just might be contagious. 
Before contracting Navy Wife, I was a self-sufficient, professional and productive contributing member of society that other professionals respected and revered.  I was confident, important and successful.
Now, I feel the hysteria creep in when he leaves me alone.  It's foriegn and very unattractive.
"Hi.  My name is Brandi, and I'm codependent."
What happened?! 
The side effects of yanking a girl with significant inertia (see November post, "Great is the day...") from her civilian life and isolating her on an island while shipping her husband off for months at a time.  Oh!  And leaving her with little to no job prospects to occupy her time and make her feel productive.
(Side bar:  Reviewing my words I realize that, most likely, they will be grossly misunderstood.  It appears that I'm insulting my peers, ungrateful for my life, and unhappy with my husband.  Unfortuntate, because absolutely inaccurate.  Continue.)
I embrace being Navy Wife positive, because it supports Michael and his chosen calling.  And while it's terminal with no cure, it's certainly treatable.  Those good days I get with my Hubby increase those antibodies.  It flares up occasionally but when the fever subsides, my immune system is stronger, and I can survive the next infection.  Those who suffer know what I speak of.

Puppyhood...parenthood?

I wrote this 5 days ago and have been toying with the idea of posting... I figured, what do I have to lose?
Deep in the trenches of being fully owned by a furball that's only been in existence for 9 weeks. How is it possible, that this creature, not even human, could be so powerful? He alone, more times than I care to admit, makes or breaks me. (And, I read that confidence in dog training/owning is everything. If that's true, I'm screwed. Sometimes. Not always. Depends on when you ask.)
The biggest surprise? Not the accidents in the house. Not the amount of time and money involved. Not how attached I am so soon. Not even the amount of advice, solicited or not, that I've received...
Biggest surprise; My focus, goal, obsession for the past 2 years of my life that has completely consumed me much of the time is... ... ... missing. The weirdest thing is, I thought I would be relieved, and I am, to a point. Truth be told, I'm a little uneasy about it, mostly I think, because I don't completely understand it. Or, could it be because I've been so busy obsessing I don't know what to do with the free space in my brain? Part of me wonders if I broke my mommy gene because not only have I gone from no longer wanting so urgently, I've almost swung the opposite way. That's right my friends... I am no longer sure that I want children. Go figure.
The thing is, I can picture this life, our life, Michael and Brandi, our small menagerie along, and I'm okay with the way it is right now. Even more than okay, I'm quite content with it. That's never been the case before. It's funny, for years now, I've prayed desperately for peace and contentment with my situation, and here it is, I just didn't think it would come this way, I guess.
I hear your thoughts, my greatest of friends, "Oh, Brandi... you don't mean it, you're just too busy with the new puppy, you'll change your mind again..." But I don't know... I just feel so different this time. I'm really enjoying the fact that my body, my husband, my home and my life are my own. (With the exception of the animals.) Just not sure I'm willing to share any of that anymore.

WORLD RULER

Name:  Kona, Hawaiian for "World Ruler" 
(Appropriate?  More than intended.  A good thing?  Jury's still out.)
Birth Date:  November 5, 2009
Weight:  17 lbs?  (Changes every day)
Favorite past times:  Eating, chewing, sleeping, peeing (on the floor, preferably), eating, attempting to chase kitties, fully occupying Mom's every second, thought and action.